Childhood Memories
by ashez2ashes
Summary: a collection of short stories about the strawhat crew when they were kids.
1. Where do babies come from?

Note: This fanfic is a series of short stories about each of the characters' childhoods. There really isn't that much of a plot. If this fic looks familiar to you, that's because it is! This is a repost that is hopefully less typo-rific. Now with Quick-Edit crappyness!

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. One Piece was created by Oda Echirro who probably wouldn't like Quick-Edit either.

Childhood Memories  
CHAPTER ONE  
Luffy: Where Babies Come From  
----

Somewhere in East Blue, in a small village named Fusha, there was a tavern where some pirates were eating a lot. These pirates were also getting rather drunk, which made them eat more. Then they'd pass out and wake up an hour later, forgetting they had already eaten, and eat even more.

The bar owner, Makino, would fill up their drinks over and over till they exploded. None of them had ever done that, so they figured they had better keep drinking. Exploding people were cool, after all.

The happy drunken pirates were captained by a man named Shanks.

Shanks was one of the most dangerous pirates in East Blue and probably the whole world. His red hair constantly hung over his eyes, allowing him to look dangerous and wild at a moment's notice. Shanks had visited places others have only dreamed about; all while wearing a strawhat that would have made most men looked like a crazed hillbilly. His happy go lucky exterior hid the immense power he could dish out. Countless sea-hardened pirates feared him, and wished down to their brightly colored sashes that they would never incur his wrath. Shanks was one badass guy.

And his current favorite pastime was messing with an eight year old boy's mind.

"Oh come on! I'm a man now! Tell me!" Eight year old Luffy jumped up and down on his bar stool. His unruly short black hair swept across his forehead as he waved his arms around. A plate of fried meat sat in front of him, temporarily forgotten in his excitement to know... THE TRUTH.

"Eh, well you can't be a man if ya don't know..." An evil grin crossed Shank's face, unnoticed by the hyper Luffy.

"Now this is just between you and me..." Shanks leaned in close, as if what he was about to say was a closely guarded secret that had been passed down through the ages.

"So? Where DO babies really come from!" Luffy asked, a bit too loudly, making Makino knock down a glass she had been putting away. As Luffy turned around at the noise, Shanks put a conspiratory finger to his lips. Makino rolled her eyes and went to serve more alcohol.

Shanks leaned down, and whispered into Luffy's ear...

"So babies are delivered by giant birds from an island made out of beef jerky? And the kids that cry too much get eaten on the way there!"

Shanks brought his bear mug up to his face, almost bursting with surrpressed laughter. He removed it a second later, completley straight faced. "Yep."

"Wow." Luffy swung his sandaled feet in the air thoughtfully.

Shank's grin turned eviler as he leaned down again. "Yeah, and ya know the secret about marriage?"

Luffy shook his head.

"It's a trick by women who then suck their husband's brains out with a straw so they will do lawn work for them FOREVER."

Luffy gasped.

Shanks figured he may be traumatizing Luffy for life, but who cares! This was fun!

"But how do people tell the island they want a kid?"

"Uh..." Shanks scratched his head. "There's a kid catalog. People order them by mail. They're very expensive."

"Wow!" The gullible eight year old paused and crinkled up his eyebrows. "But, then how do poor people get kids?"

Shanks rolled his eyes and took a swig of his mug. "Why do you think they're poor? Haven't you ever noticed the poorest people have the most kids?"

"Oooooooh." This was more fun than the time he had landed on that cannibal island.

"And kissin will uh..." Shanks glanced over at his crew mates for an idea, his gaze settling on Lucky Roo. Lucky Roo sat across the room scratching his enormous stomache while ale dripped down his chin. Shanks smirked inwardly as an idea formed inside his head. "Kissing will make you fat!"

"Really?" Luffy's eyes widened even further.

"Hey, Roo!" Shanks called across the room.

Lucky Roo looked up.

"You get losta women right?"

Lucky Roo gave him the thumbs up. "Damn straight!" Lucky Roo then went back to trying to find out if he could explode.

Shanks turned back to Luffy and lowered his voice again. "See?"

"Woooooooooooooow." Luffy looked up at him with big, awestruck eyes. "That's the truth, really?"

"Oh Yeah." Shanks patted him on the head, which was really a covert diversion to steal a piece of meat off his plate. "I wouldn't lie to my little buddy."

Shanks figured he should tell the kid the truth before he left for good. No one else would bother. Yeah, he'd tell him the truth later.

"Little buddy who can't swim! Hahahahaha!"

"Grrr."

Unfortunately, Shanks was kinda drunk and he forgot...

* * *

Three years later...

Ace walked down the path to his boat with his younger brother Luffy. Today was the day that he would leave the village forever. One of the village girls that had a crush on him had gotten a bit too emotional and kissed him. He didn't really mind, but Luffy had an odd reaction to it...

"Man, don't you know kissing makes you fat?"

"Uh..." Ace raised his hands to correct him, then shrugged. Eh, explaining to him was too much work.

* * *

Seven years later...

The strawhat pirate crew lounged on the deck of their ship. It would be days before they got to the next island. There was nothing more to do now than just lay about and stare at the sky.

Luffy was doing just this next to Nami, who was sunning herself on a foldout chair. Usopp was working on some new ammunition. Sanji was hovering over Nami with a bottle of suntan lotion and a puppy dog expression. Zoro was sleeping. What else would Zoro be doing?

A large flock of birds flew overhead suddenly, nearly blocking out the sun.

"Wow." Nami shaded her eyes with the back of her hand. "Look at all those birds. Why are they this far out from land?"

In response, several birds dropped dead into the water.

"Don't take me literaly!" Nami growled and threw her sun visor over her face, anything to escape the insanity for a few moments. "Oh forget it."

Luffy pointed at the sky excitedly. "Someone must be having a lot of babies!"

Even Usop looked confused.

"I wonder which ones they're going to eat!" Luffy went up to the crows nest to get a better view.

"I'm not even going to try to explain," Nami muttered from behind her sun visor.

Usop pretended to look busy.

Sanji suddenly had to make brownies.

Zoro was asleep but if he had been awake... he would have went back to sleep.

"I wonder if we're close to beef jerky island?"

Hopefully someday, someone will tell Luffy the truth...

* * *

Contact Info:  
website:http:'backslash'backslash'www'dot'geocities'dot'com'backslash'ashez2ashes'backslash  
email: ashez2ashes'at'yahoo'dot'com  
aim: ashes chan

C&C is welcomed, but please keep in mind that Quick-edit took out all of my hyphens, question marks next to exclamation points (so there's only one exclamation point), and generally just kicked my formatting in the face.

Next Chapter: Zoro


	2. It's not easy being green

Disclaimer: One Piece is copyright Oda Echiro and Toei. I don't own these characters, and I'm not worthy of borrowing them.

Childhood Memories  
CHAPTER TWO  
Zoro: It's Not Easy Being Green

Green.

There are many things in the world that are green. Grass is green, leaves are green, algae is green, mold is green, icky rotting things are sometimes green... let's just say there's a whole lot of things that are green.

Somewhere in one of the four blues, there's an island called Green Isle, named for... being green. The founders had sucky imaginations.

On this island is a kid named Zoro Roronoa. He knows the color green very well because it's on his head.

No, a small green squirrel did not crawl on top of his head and try to make a nest. Although one had tried once, and it had paid dearly with its life!

See, Zoro's hair was green; naturally green. No other kid but the cross-eyed boy with pink hair was an easier target for taunting. You would think they would have caught a clue by now but no... every other day the kids came, throwing insults around like paper ninja stars. How many times did he have to beat their heads into the ground before they caught a clue? If they got brain damage and lost the ability to tie their shoes or something, Zoro totally wasn't taking the blame.

Things couldn't continue like this. The next time he saw them, he'd have to end it once and for all.

Little Zoro walked through the woods near his home. The sun trickled down through the leaves overhead, creating dazzling patterns on the ground. Birds sung their happy little songs. The wildflowers growing on each side of the path rustled softly when the wind blew.

Which Zoro totally didn't notice, because only a wussy girly man would notice something like that!

Zoro was on his way to drink a bottle of sake he'd "found" in his house. Manly men he'd seen at the local pub could drink an entire case of the stuff. So of course, he was going to be able to drink a dozen cases! But, he only had one bottle right now so it was going to have to do.

Suddenly, the forest was silent. Zoro stopped in his tracks; his battle senses alert.

With a woosh, the village kids jumped out of the bushes. They were ten strong. Their leader, a man nearly twelve years old, stepped forward. The leader glared making his V-eyebrow crinkle like a furry snake. His cronies stayed behind, trying to look intimidating. Zoro felt a bead of sweat roll down his neck. A twelve year old! This was a serious fight!

The annoying village kids circled around him. Their stupid little snickers drove him crazy. If he could just knock a couple of their teeth out, he'd feel so much better. Unfortunately, his mom had told him not to lay a hand on any of the kids again, because if he ruined another pair of pants, he'd have to wear some old hand-me downs tied with a rope.

Not that he cared what his mom thought; no way! Letting your mother push you around was not the way of the manly man!

The V-eyebrow kid grinned maliciously and opened his mouth to deliver an insult that was worse than getting stabbed to death with a kitchen knife, worse than going to jail, worse than eating broccoli, worse than any possible torture known to man...

"Ha ha! Zoro is a green doody head!"

Zoro gasped.

He'd... he'd said it! How DARE HE! This could only mean one thing!

"So? You want a fight to the death eh!" Bring on the ugly pants! He didn't care!

"Uh..." V-eyebrow kid's smirk wavered for a moment as he saw the green haired kid shake with rage and determination.

"What's wrong? Afraid?" Zoro grinned evilly.

"NO! I just am shocked that you dare to challenge us uh... Frog Man!" V-eyebrow boy pointed dramatically at the sky. "You don't know the power I hold!" The kid paused dramatically. "I have... THREE firecrackers in my pocket!"

His cronies gasped.

An idea suddenly came to Zoro. He could still keep his promise if he didn't use his hands...

Zoro grabbed two long sticks from the ground and held them in a cool looking sword stance that he made up on the spot. The stance felt right, like he really was some ultimate sword fighter. Zoro's grip tightened on his mighty pointed sticks. The stakes had just been raised, but he wasn't gonna back down!

"Ha!" Zoro smirked. "It will take you a hundred years to defeat me!"

The kids looked unconvinced.

Seeing that wasn't enough, he added, "Even if you had... EIGHT firecrackers in your pocket!"

The kids gasped, impressed.

"Y-yeah! Uh, well... you're... you're... a green doody head!" V-eyebrow kid's face flushed. He pointed at Zoro, his finger shaking in rage. "Get him men!"

The assorted band of "men" attacked in a flurry of sneakers.

It was over in less than a minute.

Zoro stood over the unconscious bodies of his attackers, barely winded. Shock coursed through his body. He couldn't believe it. That had been... EASY. All of the previous times he had beaten them up, he had to really work at it and took some bumps and bruises of his own.

The pointed sticks clattered to the ground. One phrase beat its way through his dazed mind, and repeated itself endlessly like a broken record.

HE WAS THE MAN!

No! He was more than the man, he was the man that told the first man when to jump! And then the first man would be like, 'How high sir!'.

Zoro paused a moment to laugh manically.

Yeah! He was a badass! No one was ever going to mess with him again! He was a natural. He could go to every dojo on the island and take their sign posts like all the cool warriors did!

Zoro nodded to himself and hopped over the unconscious kids' bodies. Yep, now was the time to finally leave home. This proved that he was a man now and his skills had evolved far past anything in the village. Yes, he would blaze a new trail on the road, fighting challenges wherever he met them!

He continued for a few more minutes until he reached his home. It wasn't much, just a decent sized cottage. His mom was taking a nap on a hammock in the front yard. He approached loudly, humming how much he was "THE MAN" to himself.

He stopped in front of the hammock where his mom was snoring loudly. Her clothing and hair were rumpled beyond comprehension. A long strand of emerald hair lay across her face and rose and fell with her breathing.

"Mom!" Zoro paused. What was he doing? Manly men don't go around calling their mothers "mom".

"Mrs. Roronoa!" Yep, that was the way manly men addressed their mommies. "I'm leaving town to become an ultimate swordsman!"

Zoro waited for her to start to beg for him to stay. He would be strong though, he'd look her in the eye and say: 'Mo--err Mrs. Roronoa! I can't stay no matter how much you may need me! I must leave to fulfill my dream! Farewell!' He readied himself for her reaction.

Zoro's mom snored some more.

"MOM! WAKE UP!" Zoro growled to himself, forgetting his "Mrs. Roronoa" rule.

He pushed the hammock hard.

She snored louder.

He pushed the hammock hard enough to make it flip all the way around.

She giggled in her sleep.

"DAMN IT MOM! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" He continued this for five minutes straight, until finally...

"Ah, so noisy." Zoro's mom yawned and slowly opened her eyes, instantly awake. She raised an emerald eyebrow at her son. "What's wrong kid? Didn't get your leg bit off or anything did ja?"

Zoro scowled. "No! I'm running off to become an ultimate swordsman! And there's nothing you can do about it!"

"Well okay." Mrs. Roronoa stretched back out on the hammock. "But without any training, you wouldn't even be able to defeat the kids at the Two Swords Dojo."

"No way woman! I'm the man!"

Mrs. Roronoa smacked her son on the back of the head lightly. "Don't talk to your mother that way."

"Ouch..." Zoro looked around. He needed to tell at least one more person before he left on his long journey. "Where's dad?"

Mrs. Roronoa grinned evilly. "I ate him!"

"...no you didn't."

Mrs. Roronoa shrugged. "Eh, I don't know where your father is."

* * *

Somewhere in a jungle far far away... 

"Where the hell am I now?"

* * *

"Oh well." Mrs. Roronoa yawned and went back to sleep.

Wouldn't be able to defeat the kids at the Two Swords Dojo eh? He'd show her. He'd go up there, defeat the dojo master and take their sign post. Then everyone would go: 'Oooooh! Look how strrrong Zoro is! We never ever shoulda messed with him!'

"Oh, this is where my sake went." Mrs. Roronoa swiped it and then went back to sleep, cradling the bottle.

Zoro tried for a few moments to get it out of his mom's vice-like grip, then gave up and headed for the Two Swords Dojo.

A half an hour later, Zoro stood on a hill overlooking the dojo. He grinned around the stick he had been chewing on. Those wusses wouldn't know what hit them!

10 minutes later...

Zoro lay with his face embedded in the dojo floor, his body aching from multiple beatings from a kendo stick.

He... he... HE WASN'T THE MAN?

He looked up slowly and stared at the victor. He couldn't believe it. It defied logic and the workings of the universe. He had been beaten... by a girl!

He stared into eyes just as determined as his own. He would train and beat her! It wouldn't be easy... But maybe, Zoro reasoned, victory would mean more if it WASN'T easy? He wasn't afraid of a little hard work! He could train just as hard as some girl!

He stood up, determined. All thoughts of green jokes forgotten.

"This ain't over! I'm gonna train and beat you!"

Kuina looked over her shoulder as she walked out of the dojo. "I won't be beaten by some moldy haired boy."

Or not forgotten...

* * *

Years later, On the Going Merry... 

Zoro awoke with a yawn, instantly alert. Naps were great. He had the weirdest dream though, something about Luffy telling everyone One Piece was on an island made out of beef jerky?

Oh well.

He glanced over his shoulder and saw the crew were already eating dinner.

Damn it! Why didn't anyone wake him? By now, Luffy had probably eaten his share!

"Hey! Did you hear me green shit head?" Sanji called from the table where he was serving out the food. "Dinner's ready!" Sanji paused. "But since you weren't waking up, Luffy and Usop thought you were dead so they ate your share." He turned to Nami, with a wine glass in his hand. "Here you go Nami saaaaaaaaaaaan!"

Veins popped out on Zoro's head.

"He lies! He lies!" Usop waved his hands in the air frantically and at the same time tried to conceal a large gravy stain on his clothes.

Zoro's expression turned less than serene. In other words... only slightly more of a scowl than usual.

"Heh heh. Only kidding green-shit head." Sanji sat another plate down.

Zoro sighed and walked over to eat.

It's not easy being green.

* * *

Eh, I indulged a bit and created a mom for Zoro. ;; Hope it wasn't too annoying. Who knows if he has one or not. He's probably an orphan or something. 

Contact Info:  
website:www'dot'geocities'dot com'backslash'ashez2ashes'backslash  
email:ashez2ashes'at'yahoo'dot com

Next chapter: The adventures of little Usop! Which will have vampires, werewolves, aliens, purple sea monkeys who play chess, and God himself will show up!

...Or not.


	3. There's a gremlin on the side of the shi...

**Disclaimer:** I own One Piece. I won it back when I was six years old in a card game between a giant goldfish and a purple people eater. Yes, it was a epic battle...

Silly note: One Piece is a type of dress in Japan.

----  
Childhood Memories  
CHAPTER THREE  
Usop: There's a gremlin on the side of the ship!  
---- 

Shortly after the formation of the Usop pirates, which changed the very fabric of the universe, and made God look down and go 'Wow! That is cool!' an important event took place.

Actually, it was a series of events and they weren't very important at all, but it sounds much cooler if the cosmos was affected.

Syrup village: A place of happiness and wonder that was named after the large grove of Syrup trees that were growing on the island when the first settlers came there. Then all the Syrup trees died a few weeks after the settlers had arrived, and the founders felt very stupid for naming the village after them. Eventually though, those people died and no one remembered why it was named Syrup village in the first place, but they assumed the founders had a very good reason.

On this island was the greatest pirate ever, Captain Usop! Sure, some people said that some guy named Gold Roger was the greatest, but they were dilusional. Gold Roger owned "One Piece"? What was that? A dress? Who cares about some pansy dress wearing dude!

Captain Usop, already great and mighty at age twelve, ruled the village. When he strode through town, yelling about the obvious advent of pirates, the people ran out of their homes brandishing brooms. Most people would see this as the villagers being aggravated at him, but not great Captain Usop! Those people's lives were so boring they needed a little excitement every now and then! Get up, work, go to sleep, get up, work, go to sleep... How boring is that?

Captain Usop, however, couldn't possibly do all his fantastic deeds alone. There were three other members of the Usop Pirates: Tamanegi who looked like an Onion with glasses, Ninjin who resembled a carrot, and P-man who looked like a giant green pepper. None of them realized their heads looked like vegetables, and perhaps went through the rest of their lives happily not knowing they looked like a salad.

On this particulary cloudy day, Usop was stalking toward the local diner. The low lying clouds cut off enough light that he could easily sneak around in the shadows. He stuck his long nose around the door, peering intently into the empty room. His eyes widened as he saw his quarry.

A fresh plate of cookies lay unattended on the counter top. Usop felt it was his duty as a pirate to take the unattended treasure. The plate of cookies was just sitting there going to waste!

Usop nodded to himself. Yes! It was his duty!

He crept up to the plate of cookies, like a stealthy cat with three peg legs and a hacking cough.

The bumps, creaks, and scuffles easily alerted the diner owner who had been changing his shirt in the other room.

"Hey! Leave those alone!" The man stepped into the front room of the diner bare-chested. His wet shirt that he had been cleaning in the other room lay across his right arm. "Those cookies aren't for you kid!"

Usop was no longer paying attention to the cookies, only to the guy's very, very hairy body. He looked like...

"A WEREWOLF! AAAAAAAAH!" Usop jumped backwards, knocking over a bucket of soapy water.

A vein on the man's forehead twitched. He held his anger in for a second, then sighed and rolled his eyes. Usop wasn't a bad kid, just a little unruly because he didn't have any parents to yell at him. Everyone knew a daily dose of yelling was essential for the upbringing of a healthy individual.

"Here kid." The Innkeeper reached over to the cookies. "You can have just one but--"

His hand met empty air. The cookies, plate and all, had vanished.

"What the?" He glanced around in shock, then turned his narrowed gaze to Usop. "You ate them all already?"

Usop shook his head bewildered. He couldn't eat cookies that fast! No one could eat cookies that fast!

* * *

Somewhere, on another island, Luffy sneezed.

* * *

"I didn't eat um! I swear!" Usop waved his hands above his head frantically. 

"Rrrrrright." The hairy man glared at him suspiciously. "If you're hungry kid, just ask and I'll make ya a sandwich or sumthin. You don't have to steal."

"But I didn't!"

"Uh huh. And baby eating stork are going to attack the village any minute now like you were ranting about last week." He put his shirt on. "I'll go make you a sandwich... then you have to sweep the place later for those cookies you stole And where'd you put the plate? Geez."

"But I--" Usop closed his mouth as the hairy man cut him off with a dangerous glare and then disappeared to the back of the shop.

Maaaaan! This wasn't fair! He only wanted blamed for the things he did do! And there was plenty of that so people didn't need to make stuff up!

Usop plopped down on the ground and tucked his feet underneath his legs and pouted. Well, it would have been a pout if manly sea warriors pouted. So instead, the expression was a manly sea warrior's outrage at being unjustly accused. He wasn't immature.

Usop looked around and picked his nose when he thought no one was looking.

Skritch. Skritch.

He stopped his manly nose picking and looked around. Whoa! What was that? It sounded like there were tiny feet scampering on the floor! Where was it coming from?

Feet scampered again... it sounded a bit like a mouse...

"Hee tee hee!"

Something was giggling in the corner! Mice don't giggle! ...right?

He peered over the edge of the countertop. The windows were closed on that side of the room and the corner was shrouded in shadows.

It couldn't be the innkeeper. He couldn't giggle that high pitched. Well, Usop hoped he couldn't.

"Hee tee hee!"

A small gray hand slid from out of the shadows and made a rude hand gesture. Then it jumped out of the shadows landing in front of Usop. It had scaly skin, long pointed ears, and losta fangs. Usop could only gape in fear as the thing spun the cookie plate mockingly, waggled its' butt at him, and then skipped away.

"A g-g-gremlin!"

Usop, suffice to say, stayed very calm and collected.

"AHHHHHHH! A GREMLIN STOLE THE COOKIES! GREMLINS EVERYWHERE! DOOM! DOOM! AAAAAAH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The innkeeper ran into the room. "What's wrong?"

"A GREMLIN STOLE THE COOKIES!"

"I ran all the way from the kitchen for that?" The innkeeper glared and tossed Usop a sandwich in a little baggie. "There kid, now get out of here!" The innkeeper grumbled and walked out of the room.

"Thanks Mr. Wilson!"

Mr. Wilson muttered something that sounded like "menace" from the other side of the door.

Usop ran out out of the inn, eating his sandwich on the go. He had to gather his troops for a very important meeting. They would believe him!

15 minutes later...

"Ha ha! That's a very funny joke captain!"

"It's not a joke! The village could be over run with cookie stealing gremlins if we don't do something!"

Onion, Ninjin and P-man giggled. Usop tried to hold in his frustration. His mighty warriors were only four and his superior intellect overwhelmed them at times.

Ninjin scratched his nose. "Why are you dressed in a sack? Are you the gremlin Captain?"

Usop looked down at the sack he was wearing over his clothes. He had painted it to look like a priest's outfit. What he was a priest of he wasn't sure so he put elements of as many as he could think of together. Although sandals, a long sack robe, and a floppy hat were kinda hard to walk in.

"Nooo! I'm a priest! The mighty Cheat Cloth!"

"Cheat cloth?" The three salad kids asked in unison.

"Cheat cloth, because I am a man of the cloth yet, I will cheat the evil gremlins and they shall um... fall to my mightyness and kick the bucket!"

"But the important water is in the bucket!" Onion pushed his glasses up from the tip of his nose and peered at the water with a look of reverence that only a four year old could use while staring at a bucket of water.

"Er..." Usop shrugged. "Never mind! Now I shall do the sacred ceremony!"

A dramatic breeze blew in as Usop's salad friends crowded around the bucket in anticipation.

Usop cleared his throat.

"Oh God and Gods and Goddesses and losta other super people, I your holy warrior have ordained the water to be really holy!" Usop did a little jig around the bucket, and then threw a coin into the water just in case the super people needed to be bribed.

"Behold! The water is very holy now!"

"Oh wow! It's really sparkly!"

Unbeknownst to his minions, Usop had thrown in a package of gliter before he had brought the bucket over, but he felt no need to tell them about it.

"Ok! Now all we have to do is get the water on the gremlin!"

"How do we do that Captain?" P-man gazed at Usop for supreme guidance.

"With..." That dramatic breeze came back again, as Usop whipped out four things from his robes. "WATER GUNS!"

20 minutes later...

* * *

Mr. Touji the baker was having a great day. As he sat on his porch, he felt very warm and dry. The sky was clear, birds were chirping and all of the work for the day was done. 'Nothing on this day could go wrong,' he thought, as he stretched out more on his hammock. 

Now, as everyone knows, thinking this will automatically doom you. Luckily, the band of four leaf clovers growing outside his house saved him from accidently bringing about the discovery of nuclear energy on a small island in West Blue. Instead, the scientist invented bubble wrap, which created hours of mindless fun for the entire world.

But Mr. Touji didn't know any of this as he lounged on his porch. In fact he wasn't thinking of anything much except: WARM! DRY! GOOD! Which is why he didn't notice the small evil creature darting past him, or have the reflexes to dodge four water guns aimed at his face. This is also why he slipped and fell into his rose bushes.

His thoughts now added up to: WET! PAIN! ANGER!

Mr. Touji was not a very complicated guy.

* * *

"It's getting away men! Faster!" Usop attempted to run faster as his floppy hat kept slipping over his eyes. In retrospect, he realized the hat may have been affecting his aim. But oh well! His devine wisdom would guide him! Usop smiled as he ran. It sure was nice of the rest of the villagers to help him! They even brought their brooms, how helpful. Together they could save the village! 

Usop waved behind his back at the group of people chasing him with brooms but didn't slow down.

The gremlin was running at the edge of his vision. He was almost there! Suddenly, the gremlin jumped behind a bush. Just a few more inches...Usop took aim...His finger clinched around the trigger--

A hand grabbed him from behind.

Usop jerked to a halt and turned around. "Hi Mr. Touji! Sorry, can't talk now busy."

"WET! PAIN! ANGER!"

"Huh?"

Mr. Touji shook his head. "Err, I mean... You kids are in serious trouble!"

"Nooooo! The gremlin's getting away!" Usop desperately wrenched himself from Mr. Touji's grip. He moved a few more feet forward before getting grabbed again by Mr. Touji and Mr. Wilson.

"Kid stop squirm--"

"NO! MUST..." Usop dragged himself along the ground. "VANQUISH..." His fingers grabbed handfuls of dirt... "GREMLIN!"

"STOP IT USOP!" A dozen more hands grabbed him.

"Go for it Captain!" Ninjin, Onion and P-man grabbed the villagers legs and tried to hold them back.

Usop lifted up his water gun... It took every last bit of determination and willpower to lift his arm. The villagers were yelling, his men were cheering... The sounds faded off into the distance as his finger went to the trigger...

Squirt!

The gremlin screamed behind the bush, melting like an ice-cream in the sun. The only thing left was a small puddle, and even that evaporated into the ground.

"I did it! Cheat cloth has prevailed!" Usop went limp and stopped struggling. The villagers holding on to him collapsed into a heap.

"Yeeeeeeeah!" Usop's men cheered.

The villagers were not exactly cheering.

The mighty gremlin vanquisher looked up. "Why is everyone wet?"

...After what transpired next, Usop never used a water gun again.

* * *

Years Later on the Going Merry... 

Clouds slinked by the blood red full moon. Shadows drifted between the dead trees, creating monstrous creatures from the darkness. Somewhere in the distance a lone wolf howled.

Usop cringed in fear. He knew they never should have entered this cursed island. They should have been able to tell just by the name that it wasn't a place to hang out! But noooooo. No one ever listened to him!

His captain had been bitten shortly after they had arrived. Usop didn't know where everyone else was. They could have already been goners.

He knew they never should have went onto...

Luffy jumped out of the bushes.

ZOMBIE ISLAND!

"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaat!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Usop sat up screaming.

Sanji and Luffy fell off their hammocks. Zoro... rolled over in his sleep.

"Damn it long nose! What's wrong?" Sanji fell into a fighting stance and looked around frantically, expecting to be under attack.

Luffy sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Is it breakfast yet?"

"Z-Zombies everywhere! Luffy had eaten everyones' brains and I was next and..." Usop trailed off as he noticed Sanji glaring, and Luffy looking impressed with his imaginary dream self.

"Oooooo! Cool!" Luffy jumped up and ran over to Usop. "What happened next?"

"Um... I woke up."

"Awww." Luffy went back to his hammock, slightly deflated. He climbed up and looked off into the distance thoughtfully...or as thoughtfully as Luffy could manage. "I wonder what brains taste like?"

Sanji rubbed his temples. "I'd cook yours but there's nothing there."

"Yeah..." Luffy muttered to himself not paying attention. "Sanji! Tomorrow we shall have brains!"

"Uh huh." Sanji turned around, ignoring Luffy. "Come on long nose, I'll get you a glass of warm milk."

Usop's face lit up. Sanji could be a really nice guy sometimes! "Ok!"

"Then you better shut the hell up and go to sleep or I'll knock ya out."

Usop's face fell. "...gee thanks."

"No problem!" Sanji smiled good naturally and led the way to the kitchen.

After a glass of warm milk, Usop did feel a bit better. He and Sanji returned to the Boy's cabin and fell back to sleep.

Everyone was in happy sleepy town until...

"AARRGH!"

Usop woke up with a start. Sanji was rubbing makeup off his face frantically and looking around with a glare of death, while Luffy patted his head. Zoro... studied physics and mused on the fundamental workings of the universe... or he should have been, because then he would have noticed the permnanent marker all over his face.

Usop's eyes widened. "What happened?"

Sanji and Luffy turned their gazed toward him.

Usop looked down at himself to see what horrible thing had happened to him... He gulped as he noticed the permenent marker laying in his hand, Luffy's hat on his head, and the tube of lipstick sitting on his lap.

This certainly was not good. Usop used his amazing powers of intellect to stay calm and collected.

"AHHHHHHH! NONOTMEITWASN'TMEINOTDOTHISTHING!"

Luffy yawned. "Stop messing around. Breakfast will take longer to get here if ya keep waking everyone up."

Usop looked nervously at Sanji's expression, and he immediately knew that they were all having Usop's least favorite foods for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a couple of other meals he had never heard of.

And so, after a few menacing glares from Sanji, the men of the crew went to sleep again. No one bothered to try to wake up Zoro, it wasn't their problem he had pink hearts and flowers drawn all over his face.

Usop eyes were still open after everyone else's breathing had leveled off. This wasn't because he was being stealthy in trying to catch the real criminal. No, it was just hard to sleep while tied upside down and gagged in a hammock.

"Mmfffmmff! Mfffmmff!" Translation: Waaah! I am unjustly accused!

"Mff! Mfffmmff FFm!" How dare they tie up the mighty Usop! Next time something needs fixed, I won't do it!

"...Mfffmfffmffmffmf." Hold on, then the ship would sink or something.

"...mff." Not good.

"Mfff mffmm." I have to go to the bathroom.

Unbeknownst to Usop, while he was having this riveting mental conversation a small figure from his past was slipping into the room.

And no, Ninjin has not been hiding in the cargo hold all this time.

The figure, a small little grey creature creeped up to where Usop was dangling at a weird angle. It held up a miniature handmade sign. Usop's eyebrows shot into his hairline as he saw the creature and read its sign.

'GUESS WHO?'

"MMMFFF!"

The little creature flipped its sign over.

'MY NAME IS MANWELL YOU KILLED MY BROTHER. PREPARE TO DIE!'

The gremlin brandished a bobby pin in a threatening manner. The weapon had seemed like a mighty broadsword when he had left his little gremlin village, but now that he was faced with his quarry he was starting to think he had underestimated the situation.

He poked Usop in the toe with it anyways.

Yes, the gremlin thought to himself. That certainly wasn't the blood splatter effect he had wanted.

Usop wrenched the gag from his mouth. "Wake up everybody! There's a gremlin on the ship! There's a gremlin on the ship!" He paused. "AND OW!"

The gremlin, figuring he didn't feel like dealing with the weird bug eyed kid, the algae headed guy, and the blond one that breathed smoke, scampered away.

The crew was less than happy to hear about gremlins, and five minutes later Usop found himself, still tangled in the hammock and tied to the outside deck.

Usop struggled violently with his bindings for several minutes, only managing to dislocate the hammock from the deck. He fell to the ground with a thud. While on his back on the deck, he stared at the 'oh so amazing' night sky of stars, which would have been even more 'oh so amazing' had he not had to pee so bad he thought he was going to go blind.

A marker board sign suddenly appeared in front of his face.

'ARE THE SCARY PEOPLE GONE?'

Usop shrugged as the gremlin jumped off his chest and landed a few feet away.

'OK THEN! I CAN KILL YOU NOW!'

The gremlin stopped for a moment and started to scribble another message.

'MY NAME IS MANJELL JU KILED BY BROTHER. PEPRARE TO DIE!'

The gremlin squeaked angrily, erased, and rewrote his message.

'MY NAME IS MANWELL. YOU KILLED MY BROTHER. PREPARE TO DIE!'

The gremlin stuck one bobby pin in his mouth, and grabbed too more from a pouch at his back. Somewhere in the cabin, Zoro sneezed in his sleep.

With his hands and legs bound, Usop couldn't use his slingshot. He couldn't call out to the rest of the crew either, even if they would believe him. No, he couldn't do that. This was his battle and he had to finish it!

So he did what anyone would do in the same situation.

Usop rolled menaceley toward his foe.

"MMMff! Mff! Mfffffff!" BOWLING BALL ATTAAAAACK!

A great battle then ensued with each of the participants fighting bravely. The attacks were parried back in forth in a flurry of motion nearly as fast as the inhuman speed of a ceiling fan. This contest of blood and skill raged on for the vast eternity of nearly five minutes until the combatants could no longer carry on and collapsed onto the bloodstained battle field.

Oh yeah, and Usop got out of the hammock somehow.

"Mighty warrior," Usop said, since he figured this sort of situation warranted fancy talk, "You fought bravely."

The gremlin nodded. Damn straight he did.

"But, why do we fight?" Usop stood up. "Perhaps I was wrong about what I did to your brother." Usop bowed his head. "But revenge is not the answer!"

The gremlin scribbled on his sign. 'BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHER? I'M STILL A BIT PISSED ABOUT THAT.'

"Don't you see?" Usop pointed dramatically at the sky. "He never truly left. He's with you in the bright lit stars at night, the clouds, the sun, and the very air we breathe!"

'REALLY?'

"You cannot dedicated your life to meaningless revenge! Your brother would not want you to live such an empty life! If you keep him in your heart, he never truely died!" Usop wiped away a tear.

The gremlin turned his back to Usop and gazed at the vast expanse of the heavens. What was he doing with his life? The gremlin erased his marker board with tears in his eyes. 'YOU ARE RIGHT. REVENGE IS WRONG. I'M GOING TO CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER AND--'

Usop kicked him into the ocean.

There was a small splash and the gremlin was no more.

"HAHAHHA! SUCKER!" Usop laughed manically.

* * *

The early morning light bathed the deck in a soft orange glow. A seagull circled overhead, signaling they were close to land. The rest of the crew was already sitting at the table as Nami walked onto the deck. She raised her hands behind her head and stretched luxuriously. 

She turned her head, expecting to see the usual fight to the death for food. She blinked in shock as she saw only Sanji sleepily shoving mouthfuls of oatmeal into his mouth. Luffy was face first into his oatmeal. She wasn't sure if he was asleep, or that not using spoons was a new more efficient way to eat fast.

She sat down and looked at Sanji with a sultry expression.

"Sanji-kun." She batted her eyelashes. "Are there any eggs left to make an omnlet?" She smiled. That should prompt him into fixing her something nicer than oatmeal.

Sanji blinked... in slow motion. "Wha? Are the marines here?"

Nami decided to take pity on the guy. "Never mind."

She fixed herself a bowl of oatmeal and sat down. After several minutes, she realized one of the usual breakfast fanatics was missing. "Where's Usop?"

Sanji pointed upward and sleepily ate another spoonful of oatmeal.

Nami looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Why's Usop tied to the crow's nest?"

Sanji, too tired to dote on Nami, answered in one word. "Penance."

Luffy made a few bubbles in his oatmeal.

Usop fluttered in the breeze at the top of the crow's nest, happily dreaming of a place that was much more comfortable than the crow's nest. He probably shouldn't have been manically laughing so loud. A few seagulls perched on his head for no reason at all.

Nami shrugged. That worked for her.

Unusual silence reigned for several minutes until...

Zoro burst onto the front deck. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPPENED TO MY FACE!"

* * *

Contact Info:  
www'dot'geocities'dot'com'slash'ashez2ashes'slash  
yahoo instant messenger: ashez2ashes (I LOVE to hear from One Piece fans! I can talk about OP for a freakishly long time. Besides, I only have two people in my buddy list). 

How did this chapter get so long? Kudos to any of my fellow "pirates" who got the Cheat Cloth reference. As always, C&C is welcome.

Next Chapter: Sanji!


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